Well, it hasn't been a long time since i posted something here.

Its good to know that my parents and I have gotten over the monetary issue, both parties do not wish to talk about it, but i am still somewhat bitter over certain things that may or may not have been intentionally uttered.

You see, it's not so easy to let something go when you have been hurt by it. I want to feel that hurt again, feel its bitterness, feel the anger rise in me. I want to feel that grudge i hold, i want to be weighed down by burdens, i want to be blamed so that i can defend myself.

Sometimes i feel so alone, so desperate for company. And yet at other times i feel the need to be alone, to reflect to think. I'm thinking of my past, the mistakes I've made, the people i had wronged. And i feel this tinge of regret, this slight uneasiness in my gut. And yet my life moves on, with more haste in fact.

I fear death, I am scared... I think about how i'm going to die, or any possible ways in which i might die. And I think, "How do I make people remember me?"
By doing things! Be it good or bad, but of course... preferably good.

Now comes to my personal life. I saw this girl(yes another one), and i sorta got attracted to her? My friends calls it teen infatuation, I call it a crush. Whatever it is, she's still my friend and I am going to make my decisions after I'm absolutely sure about her. Then you see, this little brain of mine, it keeps me from going forward, every time i think of her, I think of my past, that girl, that one i took to caring when she's in pain. And i inevitably think of how I lost her, my actions, my folly. I won't blame it on my age anymore, I'll blame it on me. It was my fault. I never thought it through, I broke my promise, I deserve every bit of pain i felt in that period.

My holidays are ending, and so is my creativity. I can feel it draining away, leaking through this tiny gap called age. And falling into this endless vacuum of experience. That vacuum tells me that creativity is something redundant, something useless, something I should abandon. But I'm holding on to it, that hope. Reality is hard, but lets try to soften it with creativity.

It is getting late now, as i type this post out, my hands slowly forgets the joy i had in free writing, in essays and in reading. My imagination is confined to the realities of life and money. I say this now, A man is truly creative when there is no need of money, because money binds a man to boring, platitudinous work. It needs no brains, it needs no innovation, it needs no life.

KaiKein

Its been long, and a lot have happened. Things have come and go, but one will particularly stay.

recently, i got back my results from my end of semester test. Fair to say, i did not fair as well as expected. And i told my parents this(well i'm sorry, half my posts are about my parents and I), and they were horrified that i'm just an average student. over dinner, my mood changed from optimistic to pessimistic. Its just the drastic change that shocked me.

If we think about it. Other people would want my score. But no, my parents are so concerned about their wallets to give a damn about me. Instead of comforting me. They scold me, they look down on me, they blame me for choosing a more expensive institution. They say that i'll never make it in life, and i'm not in a hurry to prove them wrong. If they say i cant make it. So be it. Its disturbing to see your very loved ones show their true colors. Now i know what i means to be hurt...
Should i still call them "parents"? The title that is given to loving and caring people?

Is it fair? I'll never do that to my child. Scold yes, but not complaint to him about how expensive his school fees are, or how lousy he is. I'll encourage him, I'll ask him to do better next time. Not condemn him to failure.

I lost it. I finally felt the pain. its indescribable. Insane, I am.