Gosh, the past few days have been terrible. It consists of sleepless nights, large amounts of day dreaming, sudden change in the taste of music etc. etc.

Yes it has been terrible.

I read an article online and found it intriguing. It was about telling your mental state of mind or your personality via your writing style. And so I went about to test myself.

First I took the Jung's personality test and was scored with a INTJ (I have always been an INTJ that has never changed).  This character trait was known to be a thinker, head-over-hearts kind of thing. I read on to find that my Achilles's heel is romance (Heck i find this very true.) and the rational behind was that because I tend to hide my emotions and that I have control over my actions.

Now with this information, i crossed referenced at my handwriting. I used my previous works to gauge because I'm disoriented and emotionally unstable at the moment. Lo and Behold, I am a head-over heart person. I'm calm and cool, and I rely a lot on past experiences.

My handwriting is nearly perfectly upright. If not, it's slanted slightly (and I mean really slightly) to the left.

Now I'm supposed to be calm and cool but as I look back, I'm a damned hot head. My past experiences have been odd and awkward through and through. First with Natasha and now Mylene. Both have given and broken my hopes and dreams. But I have to say that Mylene's effect just lingers and lingers. It's almost as if she's like a horrid and stubborn stain on a white shirt. And every time you look at that shirt and you feel regret and pity (why did I not use a napkin?).

I texted her today, To ask her to meet up with me so that I can apologize to her and maybe she'll forgive me. She never replied. And once again I'm left here, standing alone in the midst of despair and guilt, not knowing what to do nor the plans ahead. I do not wish to carry on my life knowing that I caused her sadness.

Oh and once again I wrote a short prose to describe my feelings.

"There are so many things I wish to say,
To free myself from this guilt, I may.
But I first have to reconcile
My recklessness, my foolishness,
And most importantly,
My selfishness." 

Yes I was selfish. I was selfish in hoping that by cutting her off in my life that I would be able to forget her. I was so wrong. Never did I thought about her(at that point in time). I was so close to her and losing a close friend wouldn't have been easy on her side. I was selfish. I caused the one I love, pain. That was the last thing I would ever want, no, want is the wrong word to describe it.

I hope that I would be able to sleep tonight. But I'm predicting that it's gonna be hard. With the knowledge that she detests me in every aspect and that she's still angry at me (presumably of course, since she wouldn't text me back).

I sign off now with a heavy heart.
Kai Kein


P.S. Mylene, if you happen to stumble upon this, I just want you to know that I've never given up on you. I just gave up on myself. And that I still love you. 

It is late at night either that or, very early in the morning. I sit here, thinking about my past mistakes and glory. But that's not the point is it?

 I met you, accidental of course, in school with breakfast in hand. Well, society wouldn't have called it a "meeting" because no words were exchanged between us. And no eyes were locked either. But it seems to me that you no longer care about me. Simply put it, you don't recognize my existence anymore.

 It hurts you know, to see you. Just the glance of your image invokes memories, fond fond memories. But after those memories fade away, am I reminded of my deeds of selfishness and recklessness. Yes, I know you don't hate me because it isn't in you to hate someone, and yet I got a cold chill that morning. My original intention was to cut off all forms of contact with you be it virtual or physical. And I did. But it failed to make me forget about you. Every night I sleep fitful sleeps, every night you surround my dreams, or rather nightmares.

 I'm scared Mylene, I'm scared. I fear the day you put on that white dress and the person to put that ring on you isn't me. I fear the very day where I have to watch you raise 2 lovely children when I'm not the father. I fear that one day, you'll forget me. I fear that I'll never have the chance to say 'I do.' to you. These feelings I have for you, it's easier said than done to burn them all. For without them I am just a shell.

Truthfully, my friends are failing me, now I do not know who to trust and who to shun. Right now I need someone to talk to and I remembered you and the times. We used to have long conversations while on your way home, on the phone. We laughed about things like how masculine male ballet dancers are and how you want me to try. We laughed at things like how you used to treat you ex and that you never really did get intimate and how that caused him to be your "ex". We spoke of things like your family and how your father is so strict with you. We spoke of your childhood times where you were so timid in Sunday school. We drank and we enjoyed together.

 You were my best partner, my treasure, the warmth in my heart, but I was foolish enough to cut you off and my heart turned cold. If given another chance, I would give my all to make you mine. And even if my all is not enough I will at the very least make sure you find the right guy for you. I will give everything to see you smile for the rest of your life because if you don't, then the world will lose it's warmest thing. Yes I fear that day you don the white gown, but I know that on that day, the world will be bright and the sun will shine upon you because you are my world.