I got my job at IFF, as an intern of course.

I have a wonderful supervisor. Both funny and cheeky at the same time while not neglecting his work. His multi-tasking abilities are insane! He can keep track of everything he's doing and even distributes it to me based on priorities. So now, i'm doing all the simple but troublesome jobs while he attends to urgent tasks and important things.

It is an absolute pleasure thus far to work with him.

I also started to play at the worship band in church as a bassist. They were desperately in need of bassist and I can sympathize with them, hence I joined. It is hard to come across a willing bassist because it plays a "support role". It is the unsung hero and the background worker. It creates a backbone for the entire band with its low but boomy  tone, hence taking the audience's attention to the lead singers/guitarists.

After my first audition, I thought I wasn't able to play because I was nervous and got my chords mixed up. However, I got in! It was thrilling to know that I can finally serve and praise God with what I myself enjoy. It is truly rare to work but yet enjoy at the same time.

My last thought as the year comes to an end, is all the self reproaching I've tormented myself with. Is it really necessary? Yes I've made a mistake, and I regret it. But I'm only human, with emotions and a hot head. Now that I'm clearer of my actions, all I want is to apologize (i'm still guilty and the very least I can do as a man is to apologize to her).

Nothing satisfies me like her smile to be honest. I miss that smile, I miss the sparkle of her eyes why she does it. I miss her blunt jokes, while crude yet refined. It's a tough concept... I know. But I'm beginning to accept that I might never be able to see her again but this is what drives me. It motivates me to grab every chance I will/would have to apologize to her. Right now other than God, family and job, she is next on the list.

I re-logged in to tumblr today, i saw my last post dated April 2012. I saw that heartbroken boy trying to get over her. I saw all the sorrow and what not. And i thought to myself, why? What for?

Honestly, I don't even know whether a simple "sorry" would be enough. Although I know that yes, I have to apologize but what good will plain and simple words do? What will be the outcome? Will nothing change? Will she finally begin to talk to me? I don't know.

Neither can I decide on the medium for communication. Should it be via text? Via a call or over a cup of aromatic coffee (she likes coffee bean, not starbucks. That I remember very clearly.) I'm in... what would you call it? A dilemma? A honest confusion. She once commented that I had foresight. But what use is foresight when I do not make the proper decisions despite being informed. Truth be told, I foresaw all these things that had happened, but I went ahead with it anyway. What I did not see then was the part about losing a good friend and how it would impact her.

Mylene, if by any chance you see this post, be it whether it's shown to you or not. I want you to know that I've missed, hated and loved you all at the same time. I've been thorough with myself and now I know that what I need is you. And even though we might not be able to be together, then at least let us talk the way we used to back then.

Regards,
Kai Kein

It is all well, I started internship at International Flavors and Fragrances (IFF for short), with a good supervisor and a lively bunch of colleagues.

Although my previous problems haven't been solved and my heart is still heavy from guilt, I wonder... Is the blame on both parties or just on me?

My conclusion was simple, it was me and me alone. If anyone was to pin point all faults, they would need lots of pins.

I knew this all along, and i feel guilty for it. I want to apologize but she wouldn't let me. Everyday I wake up with a heavy hard that serves as a reminder of my cold deeds.

Mylene, I just want you to know that I'm truly sorry for whatever that I've done. You have no idea what I'm willing to sacrifice/pay to turn back time and stop those things. Even more so what I would do for you to have a chance to apologize like a man, face to face, heart to heart. That is if I have one.

It is horrible without you in my life. Every single free time I have, my mind will dwell upon you, then on my acts. My friends continuously fail my trust and companionship, and I need someone to confide to. You are the best person! I remember those times... those times where we talked freely to one another. I remember that you would always be understanding and non-judgmental on serious issues such as this. Maybe this thing has caused a judgement to be made by you, on me.

Who can I sulk to?
Who can I blame?
Who will undo
My wretched deeds.

If time fails to heal the wounds of my heart,
then I hope that my sincerity will.

I have wronged and I have repented. Now I need your forgiveness.

Gosh, the past few days have been terrible. It consists of sleepless nights, large amounts of day dreaming, sudden change in the taste of music etc. etc.

Yes it has been terrible.

I read an article online and found it intriguing. It was about telling your mental state of mind or your personality via your writing style. And so I went about to test myself.

First I took the Jung's personality test and was scored with a INTJ (I have always been an INTJ that has never changed).  This character trait was known to be a thinker, head-over-hearts kind of thing. I read on to find that my Achilles's heel is romance (Heck i find this very true.) and the rational behind was that because I tend to hide my emotions and that I have control over my actions.

Now with this information, i crossed referenced at my handwriting. I used my previous works to gauge because I'm disoriented and emotionally unstable at the moment. Lo and Behold, I am a head-over heart person. I'm calm and cool, and I rely a lot on past experiences.

My handwriting is nearly perfectly upright. If not, it's slanted slightly (and I mean really slightly) to the left.

Now I'm supposed to be calm and cool but as I look back, I'm a damned hot head. My past experiences have been odd and awkward through and through. First with Natasha and now Mylene. Both have given and broken my hopes and dreams. But I have to say that Mylene's effect just lingers and lingers. It's almost as if she's like a horrid and stubborn stain on a white shirt. And every time you look at that shirt and you feel regret and pity (why did I not use a napkin?).

I texted her today, To ask her to meet up with me so that I can apologize to her and maybe she'll forgive me. She never replied. And once again I'm left here, standing alone in the midst of despair and guilt, not knowing what to do nor the plans ahead. I do not wish to carry on my life knowing that I caused her sadness.

Oh and once again I wrote a short prose to describe my feelings.

"There are so many things I wish to say,
To free myself from this guilt, I may.
But I first have to reconcile
My recklessness, my foolishness,
And most importantly,
My selfishness." 

Yes I was selfish. I was selfish in hoping that by cutting her off in my life that I would be able to forget her. I was so wrong. Never did I thought about her(at that point in time). I was so close to her and losing a close friend wouldn't have been easy on her side. I was selfish. I caused the one I love, pain. That was the last thing I would ever want, no, want is the wrong word to describe it.

I hope that I would be able to sleep tonight. But I'm predicting that it's gonna be hard. With the knowledge that she detests me in every aspect and that she's still angry at me (presumably of course, since she wouldn't text me back).

I sign off now with a heavy heart.
Kai Kein


P.S. Mylene, if you happen to stumble upon this, I just want you to know that I've never given up on you. I just gave up on myself. And that I still love you. 

It is late at night either that or, very early in the morning. I sit here, thinking about my past mistakes and glory. But that's not the point is it?

 I met you, accidental of course, in school with breakfast in hand. Well, society wouldn't have called it a "meeting" because no words were exchanged between us. And no eyes were locked either. But it seems to me that you no longer care about me. Simply put it, you don't recognize my existence anymore.

 It hurts you know, to see you. Just the glance of your image invokes memories, fond fond memories. But after those memories fade away, am I reminded of my deeds of selfishness and recklessness. Yes, I know you don't hate me because it isn't in you to hate someone, and yet I got a cold chill that morning. My original intention was to cut off all forms of contact with you be it virtual or physical. And I did. But it failed to make me forget about you. Every night I sleep fitful sleeps, every night you surround my dreams, or rather nightmares.

 I'm scared Mylene, I'm scared. I fear the day you put on that white dress and the person to put that ring on you isn't me. I fear the very day where I have to watch you raise 2 lovely children when I'm not the father. I fear that one day, you'll forget me. I fear that I'll never have the chance to say 'I do.' to you. These feelings I have for you, it's easier said than done to burn them all. For without them I am just a shell.

Truthfully, my friends are failing me, now I do not know who to trust and who to shun. Right now I need someone to talk to and I remembered you and the times. We used to have long conversations while on your way home, on the phone. We laughed about things like how masculine male ballet dancers are and how you want me to try. We laughed at things like how you used to treat you ex and that you never really did get intimate and how that caused him to be your "ex". We spoke of things like your family and how your father is so strict with you. We spoke of your childhood times where you were so timid in Sunday school. We drank and we enjoyed together.

 You were my best partner, my treasure, the warmth in my heart, but I was foolish enough to cut you off and my heart turned cold. If given another chance, I would give my all to make you mine. And even if my all is not enough I will at the very least make sure you find the right guy for you. I will give everything to see you smile for the rest of your life because if you don't, then the world will lose it's warmest thing. Yes I fear that day you don the white gown, but I know that on that day, the world will be bright and the sun will shine upon you because you are my world.

It's been long since I last posted. Been more than a year in fact! It's the 20th of July 2012 now. 6 more days to my birthday. Honestly, I don't feel like going through it. Yes i'm thankful for everyday that is given to me but my birthday to me, is just another day. No special significance, no special occasions. My itchy hands decided to try and view your profile again. You've gotten a new look now, cut your hair to a shoulder length but still looking glamorous. It's been hard on me to get by my days without thinking of you. Not one day goes past that you weren't on my mind. And everyday I feel that pang of regret. That stumbling block in my life. Mylene, why? Why do I still feel the same way as when I first met you properly? It's been 7 months since we last contacted and that flame is as strong as ever. But I know that there's no hope for us. Not anymore. Not after my mistake. Now all I want is for you to forgive me. Of my past doings, of my wrongs. Of how I've wronged you of my rash behavior. Sometimes emotions do really harm you. I need to learn to steel my heart and wall my mind. I've caused you hurt and I regret it. I hope you're alright now. You've always been a bright girl and I pray that you continue to be one. You have a bright future ahead. Unlike mine who has future as murky as smoke in water and as unclear as the polluted streams of old Singapore. I pray that you forgive me. I pray that I forgive myself.

Well, its been horrible. Projects are mounding, workload increased by god-knows how many folds. My heart is still in pieces, but hey! my friends are taping them up with me! I'm recovering. You know whats worse in a rejection? When you fell not for her looks but her character and personality. I know it sounds fake that a guy could fall for character but ladies, it is true.

Now I'm just trying to get my priorities right, Studies>Fencing>Friends>etc. etc.
To build myself up again. This is a new chapter of my life, but you cannot totally forget someone you loved.... so in a way, its an old chapter.

Come to think of it. I'm quite happy for her. She found a man she loves, they're happily together, they're a couple. I feel sad for myself though, while all my friends are finding their other halves, i'm seeing myself getting lonelier and lonelier everyday. I should move on...

More updates, perhaps next time?

KaiKein

You know,
Maybe one day I would find the answers that i've been looking for all my life? maybe one day she will be back into my arms. Maybe, just maybe. Hope is the thing that keeps us all alive. Without it, there's no chance of being alive, no chance of living, no chance of life.

Recently I've been reading into the taboo of religions and have grown a interest in it. Seems that if there is good, then there must be evil because there must always be an equilibrium.

And also recently I fell in love. Well, not exactly recently, quite long ago. I started to like this girl. And see, the problem was that my friends that met her does not have a good impression of her. They say she's too rude, too straightforward. But thats what I like, and that is what i'm looking for. And true to all my past experiences, it failed. TWICE. The first was a screw up on my part which I do not wish to give anymore entertainment to. The most recent one was when I found out that she's "sorta" attached.

Weird thing is, I prayed to God about her before I found out that she's attached. I asked for a sign, on whether I should continue waiting for her, or move on. WELL... most of my friends asked me to move on, but this particular one, she said. "Its obvious she don't give a shit about you in comparison to the time and attention you gave her." Now, normally I would find this statement offensive and would blast that fella away, but somehow this made me sad simply because it is true...sorta...I hope not. But then again I gave some thought to it... and fell asleep.

So the very next day after fencing training and all, I heard from my friend that she's attached. At first I thought it was a joke and that he wanted pull my hopes down. Somehow that thought clung onto me. When I got home an did all the washing up, i texted her, "hey i heard you are attached." Initially I meant it as a conversation starter, turns out, it killed not only the conversation but my feelings and mood and everything i thought was good.

It was a long reply, but the meaning was simple. "Not really, its complicated." That's all I can really make out of the message through the confusion, disbelief and mounting sadness. I who have tried to win her heart for close to 6 months has been beaten by a guy who knows her for a month. I literally got pawned.

I nearly cried myself to sleep, but thank The Lord for making my body all shagged and sluggish. The moment i hit my pillow, i slept like i never slept before. But it was a fitful sleep.

Morning came, but a bitter me awoke. Still drowning in the sorrow, I managed to put a fake smile to show my parents and school mates. But not long after, that smile faded. Just nice, my iPod shuffle played all the saddest songs in my collection. And after school, it rained. So I, as sad as I was and as depressed as I was, went on to facebook and wrote out my feelings in a short expressive verse

Sky,
Why are you so gloomy today?
Do you share the same woe as I?
Be it that your lover, The wind has left you?
But perhaps when you pour down your tears she may come back.
And she may come back more passionate than ever.
But If I pour down my tears, nothing will change.
-Kai Kein

I never gave up, I never let go and yet this happened.
But of course, now I know that God answers prayers.
And he is real.

Regards,
KaiKein - A boy with a stone heart.

Well, it hasn't been a long time since i posted something here.

Its good to know that my parents and I have gotten over the monetary issue, both parties do not wish to talk about it, but i am still somewhat bitter over certain things that may or may not have been intentionally uttered.

You see, it's not so easy to let something go when you have been hurt by it. I want to feel that hurt again, feel its bitterness, feel the anger rise in me. I want to feel that grudge i hold, i want to be weighed down by burdens, i want to be blamed so that i can defend myself.

Sometimes i feel so alone, so desperate for company. And yet at other times i feel the need to be alone, to reflect to think. I'm thinking of my past, the mistakes I've made, the people i had wronged. And i feel this tinge of regret, this slight uneasiness in my gut. And yet my life moves on, with more haste in fact.

I fear death, I am scared... I think about how i'm going to die, or any possible ways in which i might die. And I think, "How do I make people remember me?"
By doing things! Be it good or bad, but of course... preferably good.

Now comes to my personal life. I saw this girl(yes another one), and i sorta got attracted to her? My friends calls it teen infatuation, I call it a crush. Whatever it is, she's still my friend and I am going to make my decisions after I'm absolutely sure about her. Then you see, this little brain of mine, it keeps me from going forward, every time i think of her, I think of my past, that girl, that one i took to caring when she's in pain. And i inevitably think of how I lost her, my actions, my folly. I won't blame it on my age anymore, I'll blame it on me. It was my fault. I never thought it through, I broke my promise, I deserve every bit of pain i felt in that period.

My holidays are ending, and so is my creativity. I can feel it draining away, leaking through this tiny gap called age. And falling into this endless vacuum of experience. That vacuum tells me that creativity is something redundant, something useless, something I should abandon. But I'm holding on to it, that hope. Reality is hard, but lets try to soften it with creativity.

It is getting late now, as i type this post out, my hands slowly forgets the joy i had in free writing, in essays and in reading. My imagination is confined to the realities of life and money. I say this now, A man is truly creative when there is no need of money, because money binds a man to boring, platitudinous work. It needs no brains, it needs no innovation, it needs no life.

KaiKein

Its been long, and a lot have happened. Things have come and go, but one will particularly stay.

recently, i got back my results from my end of semester test. Fair to say, i did not fair as well as expected. And i told my parents this(well i'm sorry, half my posts are about my parents and I), and they were horrified that i'm just an average student. over dinner, my mood changed from optimistic to pessimistic. Its just the drastic change that shocked me.

If we think about it. Other people would want my score. But no, my parents are so concerned about their wallets to give a damn about me. Instead of comforting me. They scold me, they look down on me, they blame me for choosing a more expensive institution. They say that i'll never make it in life, and i'm not in a hurry to prove them wrong. If they say i cant make it. So be it. Its disturbing to see your very loved ones show their true colors. Now i know what i means to be hurt...
Should i still call them "parents"? The title that is given to loving and caring people?

Is it fair? I'll never do that to my child. Scold yes, but not complaint to him about how expensive his school fees are, or how lousy he is. I'll encourage him, I'll ask him to do better next time. Not condemn him to failure.

I lost it. I finally felt the pain. its indescribable. Insane, I am.

Its been about a month since i lasted posted something on this miserable blog. Now that i'm in a new phase of education, a lot of things has been taught and tested by me.

Firstly, I picked up an interesting sport called fencing. I know you're thinking of zorro and co. but its not that exaggerated. Its firstly like chess..... Studying your opponent and reading his moves will ensure you a victory most of the time.

Secondly, I fell for this girl. And i'm going crazy over her too. Lectures passes as i think of her, my academic health had never been so bad since I met her. She's not good for my studies but I can't help thinking of her all the time. However, a lot of other guys like her too and I'm jaded. Too scared to move back into a relationship... I'm cowering in the corner of the shadows of my past. And as always, i believe that she deserves someone better than me.

Thirdly,
I have been a bit confused on my religion, Christianity. I had some strong questions thrown at me and I do not know how to answer it. My sand foundation is swayed. I will find the answers, I will built my foundations on the stone that never moves.

Anymore updates and I will post here.

Warmest regards,
KaiKein

I think i live a very boring life as compared to others. However, i like it that way.
Perhaps I'm just a very mundane person or just someone who likes peace and tranquility. I don't know. Is this the stage in my life where i start to find out who i really am? Is it the stage of my life that i go out to venture and learn more things? Perhaps..

Today my friends and I went to East coast for some church activities which included games and all, we had fun. Something struck me afterwards. When we were deciding which movie to watch, I sort of lost myself.
I had been a guy that doesn't think to act and would face the music later on. But nowadays i find myself thinking twice to whatever I do, be it a small thing or a major one.
Today showed me how wrong I was last time. I had a indecisive decision. There was no movie to watch and much less things to do, but i insisted on going for a movie so we did. At the queue, I was looking at the timings and it sank in.... I no longer wanted to watch a movie. and my friends agreed. It wouldn't have happened last time, it did now.... And i'm stunned by my own actions.
Learning a new way of life now, I need to adjust and accustom myself to the world.

Why, is it wrong to shower some concern upon others? even if you've only met them 2 times in 2 weeks? IS it wrong to ask what happened when something fishy pops up?
Am i even sending the wrong messages to them?
Why, you ask. Why do you think that my world is centered upon your life. Why is it then wrong, inappropriate and harmful to ask for the well-being of a friend?
Is it stupid of me to be myself. Don't you think that having a friend is a matter greater than anything adjacent of your current life? Or are friends just a distractions for you?
I ask why, you lash me with words. You ask why, i explain. IS it even fair that i get those lashings without finishing my story. WHY must you be so unreasonable?
Why do I have to be mistaken? Why do I have to be misinterpreted? why do i have to go through this stage of life? Why, am i unable to convey my messages to you?
You suggest that i want to chase you, you think too highly of yourself. I've got to bother about my own life and got no time to go around chasing self-centered people.

Kindness never pays, but be kind no matter what. For this reason I forgive you, but I will never forget those harsh words, those words, sharp as razors. Tearing down my mind like a hot knife to cold butter.
I will wash my hands of you, utterly disappointed.

It has been sometime since i last posted, but alot have happened since then. Perhaps it was good that i did not post as my thoughts were wild and cruel at those times.
Lets start like,
School has started and its a polytechnic but you see, i'm caught in between JC and poly, elite and normal respectively. It has been fine after school start but i'm still in the holiday mood.
Selfish as I was, I recently offended yet another person and now am trying to think of a way to say sorry. I was high then, frantically on facebook little drunk with tiredness and typed somethings i shouldn't had.

Now for my life in poly. It has been a roller coaster ride. Ups and downs all over the place with loops and other things, but the thing that strikes me most is the sudden change of environment. The sudden introduction of massive amounts of girls has taken its effect on my character, now i'm becoming more goal orientated instead of process orientated, which is bad. And then i've been for the first time outwardly called immature. It was such a big blow to me. Firstly because it came from a girl, second was that I was so full of myself that I failed to see more than things alone. It was disheartening, I felt crushed, spoiled and on the floor. It was something i hadn't felt for a very long time indeed and maybe that was HIS way of reminding me of who I am. I was sort of flirting with her, she saw through and then boom right in my face statement.
You could say it was your fault, you deserve it. However, if you flirt without adding a bit of ego, then what is it? I thought that to myself first, now i realise thats just called childishness. I went over the board, crossed the line that was drawn by me and perhaps her. i went beyond the medium of mutual trust and respect. I violated her dignity and I deserve what i have now, Isolation.
At first it was hard to accept that i concluded to myself at fault. Then everything seems to fall in place. I've been irrational and irritating this few days, talking about things i should have not talked about, influencing people to do what i do. All because i wanted to feel accepted. No. stop, i have enough of my actions hurting people. I had enough of relationships, I simply had too much.
Jaded I am and Jaded I will be.

So far so good. My life has just carried on with or without any disturbance. Relationships had stayed stagnant all these while.
On the topic of relationships, I suddenly notice that when you start working, you start losing friends and get more enclosed in your own world. That for one is what i do not wish to have. Yes maybe you have some friends at the workplace but how long would they last? Until your contract ends? There are somethings in life that i wish to keep because i treasure them. These things are the basic fundamentals of life itself. Morale values is what i strongly uphold and I do not wish to betray them even in desperate times. Another is friendships, strong lasting friendships. People do change over the years... Their character and personality would change with them to better adapt to their surroundings just so that they can better survive.

Now i'm at home waiting for something to happen, something good, something life changing. I need to get out of this life, boring and mundane as it is... It will be better for me to change my lifestyle and to turn over a fresh leaf.

And I don't know why, it may be my nature to lie down and think about my past, my past mistakes especially. I made many stupid mistakes as you can tell from my previous posts. And now i am more solemn and settled. I begin to realise myself more. Knowing what you can do is the first step to knowing yourself. I realise that i feel people more easily than others. Perhaps i'm just more sensitive to my surroundings? Or is it just because i can read facial expressions better? I do not know.

I have stopped complaining about life and just accepted the way it is. I've reached a conclusion that if it was destined for me to be there then it is, and so be it.

I am trying now to be a good example to the company under me. The boys who will soon become young man must know how to be responsible for their actions and must be ready to face the consequences be it harsh or gentle. Tiring as it is, I will have to see them through their life and make sure that they too set a good example to their younger ones. I belief in servant leadership and i stick to it. I serve to lead people to serve and that way it influences other people to serve and lead at the same time. The best way is t get down and dirty with your men below you. To experience what thy experience and to do what they do so if any situation comes up, you know how to handle it with them in your mind. That is leadership.

KaiKein

Okie, here's some update...
I've been thinking about weird things lately, about things long gone and forgotten by the other party. And some times, i look back and think," what an idiot i was"

When things are said and exchanged by words, it cannot be taken back even though an apologetic message may be uttered after the exchange, it will still be there... Etched into the other party's memories. That why regret saying somethings and not saying things that i should have said.

Wronged friends, broken relationships always arises from an exchange of words or perhaps an action by oneself. Hence i'll aim to be more careful and thoughtful in speaking my mind. Life's not as simple that way, thoughtful and careful planning would be needed for things to go right. Politics and the ways to answer would come to play a major part in life-to-be.

I lost several friends due to my rashness and carelessness, stupidity and regret fills me up bit by bit when i think of how well would those relationships go and how it may blossom to become a a true blue friendship. Words are dangerous, Words spark wars, kill lives of the innocent just because someone muttered to somebody something that was meant to be kept as a secret.

When things happens and does not go right, you have to handle it just as you would rejoice when it does go right. Take it up and deal with it, and hopefully it may all go right after awhile. As a crude saying puts it, " Suck it up and deal with it."
That would probably be one of my life mottos, not just that its crude and easy to remember but also because my life to be is going to be filled with scenarios like that. Hence i take that up as my motto, and live by it.

Unfortunately, not everything may be dealt with be you. For example, my parents... They cant be solved and dealt by me, can they? So this is a good example on how this motto may fail at times, but at least i have a vision and a motto.
Before i enter school, i want to run and keep fit. To at least look less fat and more healthy.

My relationship with my parents is just going to worsen, I'd pray for a cure but that may just be as good as getting a cure for AIDS. So no point trying to remedy it. At the age of 21, i'm going to move out and stay alone. Anywheres better than here, be it the streets or some rented 1 room apartment which is infested with bugs. The horror of staying in this house for 1 more day is deadening.

Thanks for looking at my rants,
KaiKein

Its all over the place. We depend and we work for it. Cold hard Cash, the tool for survival. And yet because of this we have lost meaning to life. Motivational speakers claim to be speaking for the greater good of you but guess what? You paid them!
There are people out there that say that they want you to lead a good and meaningful life. Hence they give you guidance and assurance, after which they ask for money for the speech and "training" that they gave you.

Then again there are people, who in spite of cost and expenses, go the extra mile to inspire and impact lives of people for the good of them. They do their best in everything they do as they do it for the Lord and not for men. Thats my motto and thats why my parent are so angry with me. Well, they say that... I'm young and don't see cost and expenses behind all the help i've rendered to my organisation. And that all I do now maybe correct in my eyes but is seen as a BIG mistake in their eyes.

I'm like one of those foolish people. Who give whatever they do, everything and to do the best of their abilities be it lousy or good. Then my father is resentful about my entering of a polytechnic, and one of the biggest issue is money. Every time he sees me he'll, one way or another remind me that the cost of going to a polytechnic is expensive. FINE! I'll take a scholarship i told myself. This time my mother steps in, "No son, don't worry about the expenses". Hah, my dad keeps blabbering about shirts and jeans that is going to incur a large cost. Look, even if i don't get into a poly, my JC uniform is going to cost much more than that.

I don't know... I worked before and I know how hard is it to earn that extra buck. But because i put in my all, and therefore i don't feel so tired after accomplishing something. And have the energy to keep on going, thats how i do it.

People also say that honesty is the best policy? I totally utterly disagree with it. Every time i tell the truth to my parents i'll get scoldings and lashings, every time i tell a lie, they'll be happy and contented. What's wrong with this world? Life has lost its meaning and honesty has become the world's greatest mistake a man can make. This is bullshit.

KaiKein

Confused about what? Confused about my parent's decisions.
I want to go to church and I know its good for me, but my parents forbade me to go. If it was during school time I understand, but its the holidays and the situation isn't getting better. Sometimes i quarrel with them on this but as usual, they act without reason and have no better explanation other than hoping I wouldn't become a pastor.

The most confusing part is that, my mum... actually believes in Christ and promotes me to go attend another church. So i took that for her actual motive at first.
Then she said, "Reason is that i want you to spend more time with the family."
When i'm actually at home, she's asleep. When i'm out she complains and to be frank with you I don't go out as often as other people when they finished their o levels. I'm just an average joe. And i find this situation laughable.

My parents have absolutely no idea, on how obedient I am. Yes i may defy their orders at first, but in the very end i actually would carry them out. If they say Sunday cannot go out, then I won't. Its always like this, and in the end because of them, i cancel appointments and postpone meetings to a later date, making me look like a unreliable person.

And when i'm at home, they say that they need to work, so i thought to myself, "I'd rather go out then!"
"No." is the answer i always hear. Even going to the library is something of precious time outside.
Yes, i may disobey them in terms of trivial and stupid things, but when it comes to curfew, work, money. I always obey them willingly or reluctantly. Other people of my age are already smoking, drinking and whatnot. I? I'm just at home 24/7 playing games on my computer and maybe blogging.

I really would wish to trade lives with my friends, for just a day...1 day. 1 day is enough. This is my plight and there is no cure for it.

Now i can only got to church fortnightly, I have half-hearted commitments due to the enormous amount of time spent at home. Its not that i'm not committed but more that i'm forced to be uncommitted and ignorant. Newspaper is not as good as the sights, sounds and touch of the outside world.

Regret,
KaiKein

You know? They sometimes say that every wound that does not kill you would make you a stronger person? And I used to retort "what if that wound cripples you? What you say to that?"
Now as a think about it, its not so much about the physical wounds that you receive but rather the past experiences that you weathered through. I was foolish into thinking that I could strike it rich by going into the sales and marketing industry. How wrong I was. The first customer was to be my parents, for their health and well being. I really sincerely thought that i could help them. Guess what? my mum disapprove of it and I was taken aback. After her good bout of scolding and tongue lashing, i slowly dawned to realise... The good things that they speak of, the pay that they promise you, the job, fame and money. It was all too good, too good to be true. And after serious pounding of it on the toilet bowl. I saw the reason for all this.

The company just needs everyone of their workers to sell the product to their parents as well as bring in their friends, then the friends would do the same. The way to achieve that? Propaganda and promises. I fell for their trick, bringing in two friends of mine. Almost did them in. Now i'm in a deep pile of shit with a very messy resume and mindset. I was once a strong believer of their products and i always thought that my mentors meant me no harm. But now I see, I see the truth and I see the intentions of the company. And I take pity and sympathy for my mentors. They did mean me no harm, they did coach and guide m through this particular segment of my life. And I thank them for that, learnt alot from them and i would really hope to continue being friends with them. They have ventured too deep into this pile of shit to actually get out. Their homes are filled with their products and their lives revolve around the products. Thats why i pity and sympathies with them.

Regards,
KaiKein

I always assume silent is consent. However that is not to be in some cases.
There was a old friend of mine, we fought over a slight issue which was my fault and lost contact right before o levels. It was devastating for me at first, but i managed to pull myself together right before the big exams. Recently i contacted and apologised, on the way complimenting on the good score as well as asking to be forgiven so that we could resume contact. I haven't received any reply after 4 days, hence I thought to myself " Okay, forget it and let it go. Its not going to get you anywhere. years of friendship ha just gone down the drain. Sigh~"
And so that is is and will ever be.

And because of this, I tried to reconcile two of my good friends. Along the way, i betrayed one of them. Wonder whether that was a good decision, however the consequences i wish to bring those two blockheads together once again. I'm not sure thus far, for the first time in my life, I stumbled, lost my footing, however you call it. I always knew what to do or my heart always pointed the direction to me. Now? Its as if I'm thrown in the middle of the dessert with nothing and I'm supposed to find a way out.

I guess there are things that are best left at that and that i should not try to be nosey. The story of my friends can be posted at a later date when I finished the episode.

Regards,
KaiKein

Now that i finished my O levels, i have much more free time to spare and can do a lot more things, meaningful things. I've been going round jumping and all to lose some of those stubborn weight... Its been quite fun, especially when u excersise with your friends.

Truthfully, i kinda hooked on this game called BlackShot. It has a dedicated server in Singapore and its kinda fun to play.

I searched for jobs and landed one at Venture Era. Its something like a sales promoter and i earn the commission from a sales of a product. which is good =D

Went to east coast park today to cycle with my friends... Not bad, nearly got a sun burn and all but overall it was fun, planning to do it again this fortnight but this time i wanna go to Pulau Ubin, an offshore island. We'll be close to nature.

Alright, signing off.
KaiKein