Well, it hasn't been a long time since i posted something here.

Its good to know that my parents and I have gotten over the monetary issue, both parties do not wish to talk about it, but i am still somewhat bitter over certain things that may or may not have been intentionally uttered.

You see, it's not so easy to let something go when you have been hurt by it. I want to feel that hurt again, feel its bitterness, feel the anger rise in me. I want to feel that grudge i hold, i want to be weighed down by burdens, i want to be blamed so that i can defend myself.

Sometimes i feel so alone, so desperate for company. And yet at other times i feel the need to be alone, to reflect to think. I'm thinking of my past, the mistakes I've made, the people i had wronged. And i feel this tinge of regret, this slight uneasiness in my gut. And yet my life moves on, with more haste in fact.

I fear death, I am scared... I think about how i'm going to die, or any possible ways in which i might die. And I think, "How do I make people remember me?"
By doing things! Be it good or bad, but of course... preferably good.

Now comes to my personal life. I saw this girl(yes another one), and i sorta got attracted to her? My friends calls it teen infatuation, I call it a crush. Whatever it is, she's still my friend and I am going to make my decisions after I'm absolutely sure about her. Then you see, this little brain of mine, it keeps me from going forward, every time i think of her, I think of my past, that girl, that one i took to caring when she's in pain. And i inevitably think of how I lost her, my actions, my folly. I won't blame it on my age anymore, I'll blame it on me. It was my fault. I never thought it through, I broke my promise, I deserve every bit of pain i felt in that period.

My holidays are ending, and so is my creativity. I can feel it draining away, leaking through this tiny gap called age. And falling into this endless vacuum of experience. That vacuum tells me that creativity is something redundant, something useless, something I should abandon. But I'm holding on to it, that hope. Reality is hard, but lets try to soften it with creativity.

It is getting late now, as i type this post out, my hands slowly forgets the joy i had in free writing, in essays and in reading. My imagination is confined to the realities of life and money. I say this now, A man is truly creative when there is no need of money, because money binds a man to boring, platitudinous work. It needs no brains, it needs no innovation, it needs no life.

KaiKein

Its been long, and a lot have happened. Things have come and go, but one will particularly stay.

recently, i got back my results from my end of semester test. Fair to say, i did not fair as well as expected. And i told my parents this(well i'm sorry, half my posts are about my parents and I), and they were horrified that i'm just an average student. over dinner, my mood changed from optimistic to pessimistic. Its just the drastic change that shocked me.

If we think about it. Other people would want my score. But no, my parents are so concerned about their wallets to give a damn about me. Instead of comforting me. They scold me, they look down on me, they blame me for choosing a more expensive institution. They say that i'll never make it in life, and i'm not in a hurry to prove them wrong. If they say i cant make it. So be it. Its disturbing to see your very loved ones show their true colors. Now i know what i means to be hurt...
Should i still call them "parents"? The title that is given to loving and caring people?

Is it fair? I'll never do that to my child. Scold yes, but not complaint to him about how expensive his school fees are, or how lousy he is. I'll encourage him, I'll ask him to do better next time. Not condemn him to failure.

I lost it. I finally felt the pain. its indescribable. Insane, I am.

Its been about a month since i lasted posted something on this miserable blog. Now that i'm in a new phase of education, a lot of things has been taught and tested by me.

Firstly, I picked up an interesting sport called fencing. I know you're thinking of zorro and co. but its not that exaggerated. Its firstly like chess..... Studying your opponent and reading his moves will ensure you a victory most of the time.

Secondly, I fell for this girl. And i'm going crazy over her too. Lectures passes as i think of her, my academic health had never been so bad since I met her. She's not good for my studies but I can't help thinking of her all the time. However, a lot of other guys like her too and I'm jaded. Too scared to move back into a relationship... I'm cowering in the corner of the shadows of my past. And as always, i believe that she deserves someone better than me.

Thirdly,
I have been a bit confused on my religion, Christianity. I had some strong questions thrown at me and I do not know how to answer it. My sand foundation is swayed. I will find the answers, I will built my foundations on the stone that never moves.

Anymore updates and I will post here.

Warmest regards,
KaiKein

I think i live a very boring life as compared to others. However, i like it that way.
Perhaps I'm just a very mundane person or just someone who likes peace and tranquility. I don't know. Is this the stage in my life where i start to find out who i really am? Is it the stage of my life that i go out to venture and learn more things? Perhaps..

Today my friends and I went to East coast for some church activities which included games and all, we had fun. Something struck me afterwards. When we were deciding which movie to watch, I sort of lost myself.
I had been a guy that doesn't think to act and would face the music later on. But nowadays i find myself thinking twice to whatever I do, be it a small thing or a major one.
Today showed me how wrong I was last time. I had a indecisive decision. There was no movie to watch and much less things to do, but i insisted on going for a movie so we did. At the queue, I was looking at the timings and it sank in.... I no longer wanted to watch a movie. and my friends agreed. It wouldn't have happened last time, it did now.... And i'm stunned by my own actions.
Learning a new way of life now, I need to adjust and accustom myself to the world.

Why, is it wrong to shower some concern upon others? even if you've only met them 2 times in 2 weeks? IS it wrong to ask what happened when something fishy pops up?
Am i even sending the wrong messages to them?
Why, you ask. Why do you think that my world is centered upon your life. Why is it then wrong, inappropriate and harmful to ask for the well-being of a friend?
Is it stupid of me to be myself. Don't you think that having a friend is a matter greater than anything adjacent of your current life? Or are friends just a distractions for you?
I ask why, you lash me with words. You ask why, i explain. IS it even fair that i get those lashings without finishing my story. WHY must you be so unreasonable?
Why do I have to be mistaken? Why do I have to be misinterpreted? why do i have to go through this stage of life? Why, am i unable to convey my messages to you?
You suggest that i want to chase you, you think too highly of yourself. I've got to bother about my own life and got no time to go around chasing self-centered people.

Kindness never pays, but be kind no matter what. For this reason I forgive you, but I will never forget those harsh words, those words, sharp as razors. Tearing down my mind like a hot knife to cold butter.
I will wash my hands of you, utterly disappointed.

It has been sometime since i last posted, but alot have happened since then. Perhaps it was good that i did not post as my thoughts were wild and cruel at those times.
Lets start like,
School has started and its a polytechnic but you see, i'm caught in between JC and poly, elite and normal respectively. It has been fine after school start but i'm still in the holiday mood.
Selfish as I was, I recently offended yet another person and now am trying to think of a way to say sorry. I was high then, frantically on facebook little drunk with tiredness and typed somethings i shouldn't had.

Now for my life in poly. It has been a roller coaster ride. Ups and downs all over the place with loops and other things, but the thing that strikes me most is the sudden change of environment. The sudden introduction of massive amounts of girls has taken its effect on my character, now i'm becoming more goal orientated instead of process orientated, which is bad. And then i've been for the first time outwardly called immature. It was such a big blow to me. Firstly because it came from a girl, second was that I was so full of myself that I failed to see more than things alone. It was disheartening, I felt crushed, spoiled and on the floor. It was something i hadn't felt for a very long time indeed and maybe that was HIS way of reminding me of who I am. I was sort of flirting with her, she saw through and then boom right in my face statement.
You could say it was your fault, you deserve it. However, if you flirt without adding a bit of ego, then what is it? I thought that to myself first, now i realise thats just called childishness. I went over the board, crossed the line that was drawn by me and perhaps her. i went beyond the medium of mutual trust and respect. I violated her dignity and I deserve what i have now, Isolation.
At first it was hard to accept that i concluded to myself at fault. Then everything seems to fall in place. I've been irrational and irritating this few days, talking about things i should have not talked about, influencing people to do what i do. All because i wanted to feel accepted. No. stop, i have enough of my actions hurting people. I had enough of relationships, I simply had too much.
Jaded I am and Jaded I will be.

So far so good. My life has just carried on with or without any disturbance. Relationships had stayed stagnant all these while.
On the topic of relationships, I suddenly notice that when you start working, you start losing friends and get more enclosed in your own world. That for one is what i do not wish to have. Yes maybe you have some friends at the workplace but how long would they last? Until your contract ends? There are somethings in life that i wish to keep because i treasure them. These things are the basic fundamentals of life itself. Morale values is what i strongly uphold and I do not wish to betray them even in desperate times. Another is friendships, strong lasting friendships. People do change over the years... Their character and personality would change with them to better adapt to their surroundings just so that they can better survive.

Now i'm at home waiting for something to happen, something good, something life changing. I need to get out of this life, boring and mundane as it is... It will be better for me to change my lifestyle and to turn over a fresh leaf.

And I don't know why, it may be my nature to lie down and think about my past, my past mistakes especially. I made many stupid mistakes as you can tell from my previous posts. And now i am more solemn and settled. I begin to realise myself more. Knowing what you can do is the first step to knowing yourself. I realise that i feel people more easily than others. Perhaps i'm just more sensitive to my surroundings? Or is it just because i can read facial expressions better? I do not know.

I have stopped complaining about life and just accepted the way it is. I've reached a conclusion that if it was destined for me to be there then it is, and so be it.

I am trying now to be a good example to the company under me. The boys who will soon become young man must know how to be responsible for their actions and must be ready to face the consequences be it harsh or gentle. Tiring as it is, I will have to see them through their life and make sure that they too set a good example to their younger ones. I belief in servant leadership and i stick to it. I serve to lead people to serve and that way it influences other people to serve and lead at the same time. The best way is t get down and dirty with your men below you. To experience what thy experience and to do what they do so if any situation comes up, you know how to handle it with them in your mind. That is leadership.

KaiKein