Gosh, the past few days have been terrible. It consists of sleepless nights, large amounts of day dreaming, sudden change in the taste of music etc. etc.

Yes it has been terrible.

I read an article online and found it intriguing. It was about telling your mental state of mind or your personality via your writing style. And so I went about to test myself.

First I took the Jung's personality test and was scored with a INTJ (I have always been an INTJ that has never changed).  This character trait was known to be a thinker, head-over-hearts kind of thing. I read on to find that my Achilles's heel is romance (Heck i find this very true.) and the rational behind was that because I tend to hide my emotions and that I have control over my actions.

Now with this information, i crossed referenced at my handwriting. I used my previous works to gauge because I'm disoriented and emotionally unstable at the moment. Lo and Behold, I am a head-over heart person. I'm calm and cool, and I rely a lot on past experiences.

My handwriting is nearly perfectly upright. If not, it's slanted slightly (and I mean really slightly) to the left.

Now I'm supposed to be calm and cool but as I look back, I'm a damned hot head. My past experiences have been odd and awkward through and through. First with Natasha and now Mylene. Both have given and broken my hopes and dreams. But I have to say that Mylene's effect just lingers and lingers. It's almost as if she's like a horrid and stubborn stain on a white shirt. And every time you look at that shirt and you feel regret and pity (why did I not use a napkin?).

I texted her today, To ask her to meet up with me so that I can apologize to her and maybe she'll forgive me. She never replied. And once again I'm left here, standing alone in the midst of despair and guilt, not knowing what to do nor the plans ahead. I do not wish to carry on my life knowing that I caused her sadness.

Oh and once again I wrote a short prose to describe my feelings.

"There are so many things I wish to say,
To free myself from this guilt, I may.
But I first have to reconcile
My recklessness, my foolishness,
And most importantly,
My selfishness." 

Yes I was selfish. I was selfish in hoping that by cutting her off in my life that I would be able to forget her. I was so wrong. Never did I thought about her(at that point in time). I was so close to her and losing a close friend wouldn't have been easy on her side. I was selfish. I caused the one I love, pain. That was the last thing I would ever want, no, want is the wrong word to describe it.

I hope that I would be able to sleep tonight. But I'm predicting that it's gonna be hard. With the knowledge that she detests me in every aspect and that she's still angry at me (presumably of course, since she wouldn't text me back).

I sign off now with a heavy heart.
Kai Kein


P.S. Mylene, if you happen to stumble upon this, I just want you to know that I've never given up on you. I just gave up on myself. And that I still love you. 

It is late at night either that or, very early in the morning. I sit here, thinking about my past mistakes and glory. But that's not the point is it?

 I met you, accidental of course, in school with breakfast in hand. Well, society wouldn't have called it a "meeting" because no words were exchanged between us. And no eyes were locked either. But it seems to me that you no longer care about me. Simply put it, you don't recognize my existence anymore.

 It hurts you know, to see you. Just the glance of your image invokes memories, fond fond memories. But after those memories fade away, am I reminded of my deeds of selfishness and recklessness. Yes, I know you don't hate me because it isn't in you to hate someone, and yet I got a cold chill that morning. My original intention was to cut off all forms of contact with you be it virtual or physical. And I did. But it failed to make me forget about you. Every night I sleep fitful sleeps, every night you surround my dreams, or rather nightmares.

 I'm scared Mylene, I'm scared. I fear the day you put on that white dress and the person to put that ring on you isn't me. I fear the very day where I have to watch you raise 2 lovely children when I'm not the father. I fear that one day, you'll forget me. I fear that I'll never have the chance to say 'I do.' to you. These feelings I have for you, it's easier said than done to burn them all. For without them I am just a shell.

Truthfully, my friends are failing me, now I do not know who to trust and who to shun. Right now I need someone to talk to and I remembered you and the times. We used to have long conversations while on your way home, on the phone. We laughed about things like how masculine male ballet dancers are and how you want me to try. We laughed at things like how you used to treat you ex and that you never really did get intimate and how that caused him to be your "ex". We spoke of things like your family and how your father is so strict with you. We spoke of your childhood times where you were so timid in Sunday school. We drank and we enjoyed together.

 You were my best partner, my treasure, the warmth in my heart, but I was foolish enough to cut you off and my heart turned cold. If given another chance, I would give my all to make you mine. And even if my all is not enough I will at the very least make sure you find the right guy for you. I will give everything to see you smile for the rest of your life because if you don't, then the world will lose it's warmest thing. Yes I fear that day you don the white gown, but I know that on that day, the world will be bright and the sun will shine upon you because you are my world.

It's been long since I last posted. Been more than a year in fact! It's the 20th of July 2012 now. 6 more days to my birthday. Honestly, I don't feel like going through it. Yes i'm thankful for everyday that is given to me but my birthday to me, is just another day. No special significance, no special occasions. My itchy hands decided to try and view your profile again. You've gotten a new look now, cut your hair to a shoulder length but still looking glamorous. It's been hard on me to get by my days without thinking of you. Not one day goes past that you weren't on my mind. And everyday I feel that pang of regret. That stumbling block in my life. Mylene, why? Why do I still feel the same way as when I first met you properly? It's been 7 months since we last contacted and that flame is as strong as ever. But I know that there's no hope for us. Not anymore. Not after my mistake. Now all I want is for you to forgive me. Of my past doings, of my wrongs. Of how I've wronged you of my rash behavior. Sometimes emotions do really harm you. I need to learn to steel my heart and wall my mind. I've caused you hurt and I regret it. I hope you're alright now. You've always been a bright girl and I pray that you continue to be one. You have a bright future ahead. Unlike mine who has future as murky as smoke in water and as unclear as the polluted streams of old Singapore. I pray that you forgive me. I pray that I forgive myself.

Well, its been horrible. Projects are mounding, workload increased by god-knows how many folds. My heart is still in pieces, but hey! my friends are taping them up with me! I'm recovering. You know whats worse in a rejection? When you fell not for her looks but her character and personality. I know it sounds fake that a guy could fall for character but ladies, it is true.

Now I'm just trying to get my priorities right, Studies>Fencing>Friends>etc. etc.
To build myself up again. This is a new chapter of my life, but you cannot totally forget someone you loved.... so in a way, its an old chapter.

Come to think of it. I'm quite happy for her. She found a man she loves, they're happily together, they're a couple. I feel sad for myself though, while all my friends are finding their other halves, i'm seeing myself getting lonelier and lonelier everyday. I should move on...

More updates, perhaps next time?

KaiKein

You know,
Maybe one day I would find the answers that i've been looking for all my life? maybe one day she will be back into my arms. Maybe, just maybe. Hope is the thing that keeps us all alive. Without it, there's no chance of being alive, no chance of living, no chance of life.

Recently I've been reading into the taboo of religions and have grown a interest in it. Seems that if there is good, then there must be evil because there must always be an equilibrium.

And also recently I fell in love. Well, not exactly recently, quite long ago. I started to like this girl. And see, the problem was that my friends that met her does not have a good impression of her. They say she's too rude, too straightforward. But thats what I like, and that is what i'm looking for. And true to all my past experiences, it failed. TWICE. The first was a screw up on my part which I do not wish to give anymore entertainment to. The most recent one was when I found out that she's "sorta" attached.

Weird thing is, I prayed to God about her before I found out that she's attached. I asked for a sign, on whether I should continue waiting for her, or move on. WELL... most of my friends asked me to move on, but this particular one, she said. "Its obvious she don't give a shit about you in comparison to the time and attention you gave her." Now, normally I would find this statement offensive and would blast that fella away, but somehow this made me sad simply because it is true...sorta...I hope not. But then again I gave some thought to it... and fell asleep.

So the very next day after fencing training and all, I heard from my friend that she's attached. At first I thought it was a joke and that he wanted pull my hopes down. Somehow that thought clung onto me. When I got home an did all the washing up, i texted her, "hey i heard you are attached." Initially I meant it as a conversation starter, turns out, it killed not only the conversation but my feelings and mood and everything i thought was good.

It was a long reply, but the meaning was simple. "Not really, its complicated." That's all I can really make out of the message through the confusion, disbelief and mounting sadness. I who have tried to win her heart for close to 6 months has been beaten by a guy who knows her for a month. I literally got pawned.

I nearly cried myself to sleep, but thank The Lord for making my body all shagged and sluggish. The moment i hit my pillow, i slept like i never slept before. But it was a fitful sleep.

Morning came, but a bitter me awoke. Still drowning in the sorrow, I managed to put a fake smile to show my parents and school mates. But not long after, that smile faded. Just nice, my iPod shuffle played all the saddest songs in my collection. And after school, it rained. So I, as sad as I was and as depressed as I was, went on to facebook and wrote out my feelings in a short expressive verse

Sky,
Why are you so gloomy today?
Do you share the same woe as I?
Be it that your lover, The wind has left you?
But perhaps when you pour down your tears she may come back.
And she may come back more passionate than ever.
But If I pour down my tears, nothing will change.
-Kai Kein

I never gave up, I never let go and yet this happened.
But of course, now I know that God answers prayers.
And he is real.

Regards,
KaiKein - A boy with a stone heart.

Well, it hasn't been a long time since i posted something here.

Its good to know that my parents and I have gotten over the monetary issue, both parties do not wish to talk about it, but i am still somewhat bitter over certain things that may or may not have been intentionally uttered.

You see, it's not so easy to let something go when you have been hurt by it. I want to feel that hurt again, feel its bitterness, feel the anger rise in me. I want to feel that grudge i hold, i want to be weighed down by burdens, i want to be blamed so that i can defend myself.

Sometimes i feel so alone, so desperate for company. And yet at other times i feel the need to be alone, to reflect to think. I'm thinking of my past, the mistakes I've made, the people i had wronged. And i feel this tinge of regret, this slight uneasiness in my gut. And yet my life moves on, with more haste in fact.

I fear death, I am scared... I think about how i'm going to die, or any possible ways in which i might die. And I think, "How do I make people remember me?"
By doing things! Be it good or bad, but of course... preferably good.

Now comes to my personal life. I saw this girl(yes another one), and i sorta got attracted to her? My friends calls it teen infatuation, I call it a crush. Whatever it is, she's still my friend and I am going to make my decisions after I'm absolutely sure about her. Then you see, this little brain of mine, it keeps me from going forward, every time i think of her, I think of my past, that girl, that one i took to caring when she's in pain. And i inevitably think of how I lost her, my actions, my folly. I won't blame it on my age anymore, I'll blame it on me. It was my fault. I never thought it through, I broke my promise, I deserve every bit of pain i felt in that period.

My holidays are ending, and so is my creativity. I can feel it draining away, leaking through this tiny gap called age. And falling into this endless vacuum of experience. That vacuum tells me that creativity is something redundant, something useless, something I should abandon. But I'm holding on to it, that hope. Reality is hard, but lets try to soften it with creativity.

It is getting late now, as i type this post out, my hands slowly forgets the joy i had in free writing, in essays and in reading. My imagination is confined to the realities of life and money. I say this now, A man is truly creative when there is no need of money, because money binds a man to boring, platitudinous work. It needs no brains, it needs no innovation, it needs no life.

KaiKein

Its been long, and a lot have happened. Things have come and go, but one will particularly stay.

recently, i got back my results from my end of semester test. Fair to say, i did not fair as well as expected. And i told my parents this(well i'm sorry, half my posts are about my parents and I), and they were horrified that i'm just an average student. over dinner, my mood changed from optimistic to pessimistic. Its just the drastic change that shocked me.

If we think about it. Other people would want my score. But no, my parents are so concerned about their wallets to give a damn about me. Instead of comforting me. They scold me, they look down on me, they blame me for choosing a more expensive institution. They say that i'll never make it in life, and i'm not in a hurry to prove them wrong. If they say i cant make it. So be it. Its disturbing to see your very loved ones show their true colors. Now i know what i means to be hurt...
Should i still call them "parents"? The title that is given to loving and caring people?

Is it fair? I'll never do that to my child. Scold yes, but not complaint to him about how expensive his school fees are, or how lousy he is. I'll encourage him, I'll ask him to do better next time. Not condemn him to failure.

I lost it. I finally felt the pain. its indescribable. Insane, I am.