I got my job at IFF, as an intern of course.

I have a wonderful supervisor. Both funny and cheeky at the same time while not neglecting his work. His multi-tasking abilities are insane! He can keep track of everything he's doing and even distributes it to me based on priorities. So now, i'm doing all the simple but troublesome jobs while he attends to urgent tasks and important things.

It is an absolute pleasure thus far to work with him.

I also started to play at the worship band in church as a bassist. They were desperately in need of bassist and I can sympathize with them, hence I joined. It is hard to come across a willing bassist because it plays a "support role". It is the unsung hero and the background worker. It creates a backbone for the entire band with its low but boomy  tone, hence taking the audience's attention to the lead singers/guitarists.

After my first audition, I thought I wasn't able to play because I was nervous and got my chords mixed up. However, I got in! It was thrilling to know that I can finally serve and praise God with what I myself enjoy. It is truly rare to work but yet enjoy at the same time.

My last thought as the year comes to an end, is all the self reproaching I've tormented myself with. Is it really necessary? Yes I've made a mistake, and I regret it. But I'm only human, with emotions and a hot head. Now that I'm clearer of my actions, all I want is to apologize (i'm still guilty and the very least I can do as a man is to apologize to her).

Nothing satisfies me like her smile to be honest. I miss that smile, I miss the sparkle of her eyes why she does it. I miss her blunt jokes, while crude yet refined. It's a tough concept... I know. But I'm beginning to accept that I might never be able to see her again but this is what drives me. It motivates me to grab every chance I will/would have to apologize to her. Right now other than God, family and job, she is next on the list.

I re-logged in to tumblr today, i saw my last post dated April 2012. I saw that heartbroken boy trying to get over her. I saw all the sorrow and what not. And i thought to myself, why? What for?

Honestly, I don't even know whether a simple "sorry" would be enough. Although I know that yes, I have to apologize but what good will plain and simple words do? What will be the outcome? Will nothing change? Will she finally begin to talk to me? I don't know.

Neither can I decide on the medium for communication. Should it be via text? Via a call or over a cup of aromatic coffee (she likes coffee bean, not starbucks. That I remember very clearly.) I'm in... what would you call it? A dilemma? A honest confusion. She once commented that I had foresight. But what use is foresight when I do not make the proper decisions despite being informed. Truth be told, I foresaw all these things that had happened, but I went ahead with it anyway. What I did not see then was the part about losing a good friend and how it would impact her.

Mylene, if by any chance you see this post, be it whether it's shown to you or not. I want you to know that I've missed, hated and loved you all at the same time. I've been thorough with myself and now I know that what I need is you. And even though we might not be able to be together, then at least let us talk the way we used to back then.

Regards,
Kai Kein

It is all well, I started internship at International Flavors and Fragrances (IFF for short), with a good supervisor and a lively bunch of colleagues.

Although my previous problems haven't been solved and my heart is still heavy from guilt, I wonder... Is the blame on both parties or just on me?

My conclusion was simple, it was me and me alone. If anyone was to pin point all faults, they would need lots of pins.

I knew this all along, and i feel guilty for it. I want to apologize but she wouldn't let me. Everyday I wake up with a heavy hard that serves as a reminder of my cold deeds.

Mylene, I just want you to know that I'm truly sorry for whatever that I've done. You have no idea what I'm willing to sacrifice/pay to turn back time and stop those things. Even more so what I would do for you to have a chance to apologize like a man, face to face, heart to heart. That is if I have one.

It is horrible without you in my life. Every single free time I have, my mind will dwell upon you, then on my acts. My friends continuously fail my trust and companionship, and I need someone to confide to. You are the best person! I remember those times... those times where we talked freely to one another. I remember that you would always be understanding and non-judgmental on serious issues such as this. Maybe this thing has caused a judgement to be made by you, on me.

Who can I sulk to?
Who can I blame?
Who will undo
My wretched deeds.

If time fails to heal the wounds of my heart,
then I hope that my sincerity will.

I have wronged and I have repented. Now I need your forgiveness.

Gosh, the past few days have been terrible. It consists of sleepless nights, large amounts of day dreaming, sudden change in the taste of music etc. etc.

Yes it has been terrible.

I read an article online and found it intriguing. It was about telling your mental state of mind or your personality via your writing style. And so I went about to test myself.

First I took the Jung's personality test and was scored with a INTJ (I have always been an INTJ that has never changed).  This character trait was known to be a thinker, head-over-hearts kind of thing. I read on to find that my Achilles's heel is romance (Heck i find this very true.) and the rational behind was that because I tend to hide my emotions and that I have control over my actions.

Now with this information, i crossed referenced at my handwriting. I used my previous works to gauge because I'm disoriented and emotionally unstable at the moment. Lo and Behold, I am a head-over heart person. I'm calm and cool, and I rely a lot on past experiences.

My handwriting is nearly perfectly upright. If not, it's slanted slightly (and I mean really slightly) to the left.

Now I'm supposed to be calm and cool but as I look back, I'm a damned hot head. My past experiences have been odd and awkward through and through. First with Natasha and now Mylene. Both have given and broken my hopes and dreams. But I have to say that Mylene's effect just lingers and lingers. It's almost as if she's like a horrid and stubborn stain on a white shirt. And every time you look at that shirt and you feel regret and pity (why did I not use a napkin?).

I texted her today, To ask her to meet up with me so that I can apologize to her and maybe she'll forgive me. She never replied. And once again I'm left here, standing alone in the midst of despair and guilt, not knowing what to do nor the plans ahead. I do not wish to carry on my life knowing that I caused her sadness.

Oh and once again I wrote a short prose to describe my feelings.

"There are so many things I wish to say,
To free myself from this guilt, I may.
But I first have to reconcile
My recklessness, my foolishness,
And most importantly,
My selfishness." 

Yes I was selfish. I was selfish in hoping that by cutting her off in my life that I would be able to forget her. I was so wrong. Never did I thought about her(at that point in time). I was so close to her and losing a close friend wouldn't have been easy on her side. I was selfish. I caused the one I love, pain. That was the last thing I would ever want, no, want is the wrong word to describe it.

I hope that I would be able to sleep tonight. But I'm predicting that it's gonna be hard. With the knowledge that she detests me in every aspect and that she's still angry at me (presumably of course, since she wouldn't text me back).

I sign off now with a heavy heart.
Kai Kein


P.S. Mylene, if you happen to stumble upon this, I just want you to know that I've never given up on you. I just gave up on myself. And that I still love you. 

It is late at night either that or, very early in the morning. I sit here, thinking about my past mistakes and glory. But that's not the point is it?

 I met you, accidental of course, in school with breakfast in hand. Well, society wouldn't have called it a "meeting" because no words were exchanged between us. And no eyes were locked either. But it seems to me that you no longer care about me. Simply put it, you don't recognize my existence anymore.

 It hurts you know, to see you. Just the glance of your image invokes memories, fond fond memories. But after those memories fade away, am I reminded of my deeds of selfishness and recklessness. Yes, I know you don't hate me because it isn't in you to hate someone, and yet I got a cold chill that morning. My original intention was to cut off all forms of contact with you be it virtual or physical. And I did. But it failed to make me forget about you. Every night I sleep fitful sleeps, every night you surround my dreams, or rather nightmares.

 I'm scared Mylene, I'm scared. I fear the day you put on that white dress and the person to put that ring on you isn't me. I fear the very day where I have to watch you raise 2 lovely children when I'm not the father. I fear that one day, you'll forget me. I fear that I'll never have the chance to say 'I do.' to you. These feelings I have for you, it's easier said than done to burn them all. For without them I am just a shell.

Truthfully, my friends are failing me, now I do not know who to trust and who to shun. Right now I need someone to talk to and I remembered you and the times. We used to have long conversations while on your way home, on the phone. We laughed about things like how masculine male ballet dancers are and how you want me to try. We laughed at things like how you used to treat you ex and that you never really did get intimate and how that caused him to be your "ex". We spoke of things like your family and how your father is so strict with you. We spoke of your childhood times where you were so timid in Sunday school. We drank and we enjoyed together.

 You were my best partner, my treasure, the warmth in my heart, but I was foolish enough to cut you off and my heart turned cold. If given another chance, I would give my all to make you mine. And even if my all is not enough I will at the very least make sure you find the right guy for you. I will give everything to see you smile for the rest of your life because if you don't, then the world will lose it's warmest thing. Yes I fear that day you don the white gown, but I know that on that day, the world will be bright and the sun will shine upon you because you are my world.

It's been long since I last posted. Been more than a year in fact! It's the 20th of July 2012 now. 6 more days to my birthday. Honestly, I don't feel like going through it. Yes i'm thankful for everyday that is given to me but my birthday to me, is just another day. No special significance, no special occasions. My itchy hands decided to try and view your profile again. You've gotten a new look now, cut your hair to a shoulder length but still looking glamorous. It's been hard on me to get by my days without thinking of you. Not one day goes past that you weren't on my mind. And everyday I feel that pang of regret. That stumbling block in my life. Mylene, why? Why do I still feel the same way as when I first met you properly? It's been 7 months since we last contacted and that flame is as strong as ever. But I know that there's no hope for us. Not anymore. Not after my mistake. Now all I want is for you to forgive me. Of my past doings, of my wrongs. Of how I've wronged you of my rash behavior. Sometimes emotions do really harm you. I need to learn to steel my heart and wall my mind. I've caused you hurt and I regret it. I hope you're alright now. You've always been a bright girl and I pray that you continue to be one. You have a bright future ahead. Unlike mine who has future as murky as smoke in water and as unclear as the polluted streams of old Singapore. I pray that you forgive me. I pray that I forgive myself.

Well, its been horrible. Projects are mounding, workload increased by god-knows how many folds. My heart is still in pieces, but hey! my friends are taping them up with me! I'm recovering. You know whats worse in a rejection? When you fell not for her looks but her character and personality. I know it sounds fake that a guy could fall for character but ladies, it is true.

Now I'm just trying to get my priorities right, Studies>Fencing>Friends>etc. etc.
To build myself up again. This is a new chapter of my life, but you cannot totally forget someone you loved.... so in a way, its an old chapter.

Come to think of it. I'm quite happy for her. She found a man she loves, they're happily together, they're a couple. I feel sad for myself though, while all my friends are finding their other halves, i'm seeing myself getting lonelier and lonelier everyday. I should move on...

More updates, perhaps next time?

KaiKein

You know,
Maybe one day I would find the answers that i've been looking for all my life? maybe one day she will be back into my arms. Maybe, just maybe. Hope is the thing that keeps us all alive. Without it, there's no chance of being alive, no chance of living, no chance of life.

Recently I've been reading into the taboo of religions and have grown a interest in it. Seems that if there is good, then there must be evil because there must always be an equilibrium.

And also recently I fell in love. Well, not exactly recently, quite long ago. I started to like this girl. And see, the problem was that my friends that met her does not have a good impression of her. They say she's too rude, too straightforward. But thats what I like, and that is what i'm looking for. And true to all my past experiences, it failed. TWICE. The first was a screw up on my part which I do not wish to give anymore entertainment to. The most recent one was when I found out that she's "sorta" attached.

Weird thing is, I prayed to God about her before I found out that she's attached. I asked for a sign, on whether I should continue waiting for her, or move on. WELL... most of my friends asked me to move on, but this particular one, she said. "Its obvious she don't give a shit about you in comparison to the time and attention you gave her." Now, normally I would find this statement offensive and would blast that fella away, but somehow this made me sad simply because it is true...sorta...I hope not. But then again I gave some thought to it... and fell asleep.

So the very next day after fencing training and all, I heard from my friend that she's attached. At first I thought it was a joke and that he wanted pull my hopes down. Somehow that thought clung onto me. When I got home an did all the washing up, i texted her, "hey i heard you are attached." Initially I meant it as a conversation starter, turns out, it killed not only the conversation but my feelings and mood and everything i thought was good.

It was a long reply, but the meaning was simple. "Not really, its complicated." That's all I can really make out of the message through the confusion, disbelief and mounting sadness. I who have tried to win her heart for close to 6 months has been beaten by a guy who knows her for a month. I literally got pawned.

I nearly cried myself to sleep, but thank The Lord for making my body all shagged and sluggish. The moment i hit my pillow, i slept like i never slept before. But it was a fitful sleep.

Morning came, but a bitter me awoke. Still drowning in the sorrow, I managed to put a fake smile to show my parents and school mates. But not long after, that smile faded. Just nice, my iPod shuffle played all the saddest songs in my collection. And after school, it rained. So I, as sad as I was and as depressed as I was, went on to facebook and wrote out my feelings in a short expressive verse

Sky,
Why are you so gloomy today?
Do you share the same woe as I?
Be it that your lover, The wind has left you?
But perhaps when you pour down your tears she may come back.
And she may come back more passionate than ever.
But If I pour down my tears, nothing will change.
-Kai Kein

I never gave up, I never let go and yet this happened.
But of course, now I know that God answers prayers.
And he is real.

Regards,
KaiKein - A boy with a stone heart.